Premise
- Sex isn’t a core human need. It’s a strategy for meeting many core needs (sexual expression, intimacy, closeness, physical contact, play, pleasure, affection, love, connection, creativity, power…)
- Sexual expression is a core human need, but sex isn’t the only way to meet it
Implication
Those two under-appreciated facts have some interesting consequences:
- For an activity that people like so much, it’s fascinating that most of us have never thought about why we do it. It’s not a core need like food or love or play. Thinking about what needs you’re using sex to fulfil will teach you a lot about yourself
- …which also wakes you up to the fact that there are always other ways to fulfil those needs. If (like I used to) you’re ‘needing’ sex to fulfil your sense of self-worth, it’s worth working on that in ways that don’t rely on external validation. If you’re ‘needing’ sex to meet your need for intimacy, it might be worth also investing in e.g. building deeper friendships
- There are other ways to meet the need for sexual expression—like flirting or dance. If (like I have in the past) you believe that a fun flirty conversation is only ‘successful’ if it leads to sex, it’s worth looking at what needs you’re really trying to use sex to fulfil
- When people become coercive or manipulative in pursuit of sex it’s because they believe sex is the only way to achieve some need. That belief can be (sympathetically) challenged
