I recently found myself exploring the world of ‘pickup artistry’ / game / men’s dating coaching.

There’s an unpleasant (and widely publicised) side to the industry, for sure. Men learning manipulative tactics to trick women into sleeping with them. This has understandably created a lot of stigma and given the industry a bad reputation. I’m careful to stay away from that—it doesn’t align well with my values.

But it turns out a more positive, and less publicised, side of the industry exists too. Communities of men learning how to express themselves more authentically, be more vulnerable, reduce social anxiety, and support each other in self-improvement without shame. “The best dating advice is self-improvement.” I don’t think the word ‘pickup’ is even accurate for that—it’s more of a Trojan horse term to get guys into the self-improvement they might not otherwise seek out.

A few months ago I attended a ‘pickup’ bootcamp weekend. Like with many things, I didn’t agree with every part of it: it’s always our responsibility to pick and choose what aligns well for us. But there were parts that were undoubtedly positive for me: self-esteem exercises, assertiveness exercises, exercises for reducing anxiety and combatting shame and learning to be a better communicator. Whereas the pregaming I was used to before a night out primarily involved drinking a lot of alcohol, the pregaming here couldn’t have been further from that. We met dozens if not hundreds of people, socialised, had a great time, helped them have a great time. Yes, the intention is that that can lead to sexual experiences—and we learnt not to be ashamed of that. It was one of the most impactful things for me in reducing social anxiety and sexual shame, and I’m grateful for that.