Telling a child how wonderful they are has a similar negative impact on their self esteem as telling them how terrible they are.

This is mind-blowing to me (and explains why I’ve had to spend the last few years systematically increasing my self-esteem even though my mother constantly told me I was wonderful).

How come?

Whether you’re saying something positive or something negative, as long as you’re providing a judgment about the child you’re encouraging them to get their sense of worth from external sources (like you). Instead of trusting their internal sense of right and wrong, they’ll start to seek approval from others. And external approval-seeking is highly linked to low self-esteem.

What could you do instead?

One option is to praise the action instead of the person. Instead of “you’re such a good boy for tidying the toys away”, you could go for “you put the toys away really well”.

I think you can go a step better again, though: avoid any judgment whatsoever (negative or positive; person or action) by simply expressing the benefit the action had on you. “I appreciate you putting the toys away. I love how tidy the house looks now.”

The child will infer from that and tell themselves that they are wonderful at an intrinsic level, without external validation. They’ll be more likely to take those ‘positive’ actions next time, regardless of other people’s reactions.