No matter what words we humans are using, we’re only ever really communicating one thing: what’s alive in us. Either some unpleasant feeling, because needs are unmet, or some pleasant feeling, because needs are met.

Yet our language and culture encourage us to speak—and think—in absolutes, judgments, comparisons and problems. Good. Bad. Right. Wrong. Too much. Less than. Lazy. Selfish.

We say “that’s a stupid idea”, when we mean “I’m feeling frustrated, I can’t see how that idea fixes the problem.”

We say “you never spend time with me”, when we mean “I’m feeling lonely—I’m needing some human connection. Is there an hour today you’d be willing to spend together?”

The former is easier. It’s less vulnerable. I’m fine, the problem is them. But it’s also lifeless. It separates us. It’s the root of all conflict.

The latter reminds us to have empathy. No-one’s right or wrong—just some unmet needs. We can work through those together. Solutions become simple to find.

Positive statements are no different. Last week after a call with a friend I told her “you’re the best!”—before correcting to what was really alive in me at that moment: “I felt so invigorated and warm after having that call with you. It really met my need for affection and closeness. I’m grateful that you’re in my life.”

How much richer! (And scarier!) Own what’s inside you! It’s vulnerable. It’s real. And for me it’s been the key to more satisfying, healthier relationships.