A big self growth thing I’ve been working on a lot over the last couple of years is authenticity. It was really lacking. (Whole other essay to write: my journey around authenticity/honesty, acting how I think other people expect I should vs being myself)

I care a lot what other people think.

It’s an awesome gift

And it also holds me back

One solution is to stop caring.

But when you kill a core gift like that, things get ugly fast

You can’t really kill it, you can only suppress it.

Things will go sideways

I’ve kinda tried that in the past. It’s readily apparent why neither “not caring” nor “pretending not to care” turn out great (though I can spell out how this played out in my life for sure—it could be interesting to write out)

The game is to nurture the positive aspects of it while limiting the negative

To be proud of the crazy high levels of care I’m capable of

And also to not let it hold me back in ways I don’t want to be held back

One of those less helpful ways it manifests is that I worry about how things I create will be perceived

Especially when they are persisted. (I can talk for hours and people who meet me describe me as very confident — but put a microphone or video camera on me and I freeze up and go totally into my head— my brain becoming very very aware that whatever I say is being persisted, could be judged by anyone, criticised, and so on)

The worry isn’t rational. But it’s there

So I think the overarching question for me to ask myself when I’m creating is—

What would this look like if it were only to be seen by someone who I totally trust to see something shit I produce. By my young nieces or nephews, who look up to me and trust me and don’t judge. What would I say if only past-me or future-me would see it.

Because the truth is it doesn’t matter if someone else sees it and judges it. Even if it’s bad—especially if it’s bad! If they did judge, it would say way more about them than about me. I know this rationally. But I need to find ways to show this to the lizard brain.

If they judge it and don’t say anything—I never hear it so it doesn’t really exist. If they judge it and do say something—what a gift!

So I want to write and create like no-one’s watching. At least for the first draft.

/inhibitions-night /deepest-fear is that we are powerful beyond measure /garden

What if I just tweet these unedited things. What if I tweeted every thing that I thought could have been worthwhile to past me / could be worthwhile to e.g. a nephew Woah, what if I send these to my email list. Be abundantly clear that that’s the kind of shit that’s being sent to that email list. If people are on board, awesome! If not, Smart Subscriber your way out of those daily-ish emails