Often when we talk about what we need, we’re really talking about a strategy for meeting a need.

We all have a bunch of core needs. Physical ones like food and shelter. And others like peace, play, physical touch, to be understood, and so on. There’s a pretty solid list of core needs here.

All humans have the same ones. And any time you’re feeling dissatisfied it’s because one or more of them is unmet.

When you say something like “I need some alone time”, what you mean is that you’re need for peace is unsatisfied—and you’ve chosen to use alone time as the strategy for satisfying that need.

Why does this distinction matter?

Because when you think that a certain strategy is the only way to meet a need you’ll fight to achieve that strategy no matter what. And often the strategy requires someone else to behave a certain way (“I need you to be quiet!”), or other external things to happen that are largely out of your control. Since you can’t control other people or other external things, you end up perpetually dissatisfied (and/or have to resort to intimidation, coercion and manipulation to get that need met).

When in reality there’s no core need that requires a specific other person to do something for you.