I’d like to summarise my consciousness journey so far, in the context of David Hawkins’ Map Of Consciousness.
I spent most of my life hanging out around 125 (Desire) and 175 (Pride).
About four years ago I went through a traumatic divorce, which kick-started my consciousness / personal growth journey.
Before that point I was pretty derisive toward anything resembling introspection: I had low emotional self-awareness, I’d learnt as a child that emotions like sadness and fear made me unacceptable, and so I’d subconsciously started to suppress them and act like everything was fine (even to myself).
The divorce sent me below 100 for a very short time, which was enough of an impetus to jolt me out of my “I have no challenges and I’m awesome in every way” false confidence and onto a self-discovery journey. I went to therapy for the first time (which before I would’ve always ignorantly said I didn’t have a need for). It was such a joy to discover my emotional world, and for the first time encounter unconditional acceptance! It was mind-blowing to me that it was possible to be seen so authentically without being judged.
I suddenly realised, too, that my judgmental persona toward others was entirely learnt, and that I didn’t agree with it at all, and dropped it. I felt so much lighter—for the first time it was OK to be me!
My worldview catapulted up to 250 (Neutrality), and beyond, even getting a few glimpses beyond 500.
But there was something impure about my experience at those levels. I glimpsed them, but they were tainted in some way. I felt deeply fused with the God view and Life view of those levels (and still do), but something was blocking me from fully embodying the experience of those levels.
I now realise that that blocker was Anxiety: I always had/have blockers in me from the 100 (Fear/Anxiety) level. So much fear of judgment. I’m doing (and, even more so, not doing) all sorts of things based on what I fear other people might say about it. How they might judge me. (Fear of outcome/failure, too, though I’ve realised that even that is mostly a fear of how other people might judge me for the outcome/failure.)
Rationally I know those thoughts are flawed, yet those blockers are still inside me and holding me back in big ways. I had been able to suppress and ignore them well enough to sneak past the bouncer on the door of 125 and 175 for most of my life. But you can’t blag your way across the threshold of Courage (200): you can’t outrun truth for long. Acting how you think you should to please other people is the antithesis of Courage. My glimpses beyond 200 were beautiful, but they were on borrowed time.
My mental image for it is like those inflatable bungee run games: you’re attached to the back wall by a bungee rope and when you run too far it pulls you back. That back wall is my 100 level. It was always possible to chill at 125 or 175 without too much trouble—just a bit of tension in the rope, an ignorable tug on the back.
But now that I’ve tried to run to the levels past 200 for the first time it’s yanked me back hard!
All the way back to 100!
The lowest level I’ve been at.
In my day-to-day in just the last few weeks and months, I’ve been particularly held back by anxiety. There have been many things I’ve wanted to do that I find myself resisting or avoiding out of fear. Have I gained extra anxiety? Absolutely not. It’s just that now for the first time I’ve been able to shine a light on the fact that it’s there.
The bungee rope has pulled me all the way back here to deal with those blockers that, before I tried to cross the 200 threshold, I had just about been able to ignore.
This isn’t a regression.
It’s a progression to visit the fear of judgment that’s been there hiding in the shadow—revisit it with love and compassion—to finally learn to free myself from it and continue back past Courage and to those higher levels in truth.
