A lot of Non-Violent Communication teaches how to share where you’re at more assertively and effectively.

There’s a second part which is talked about less but is at least as powerful: how to hear what someone else is saying as though it were communicated in that same way.

Marshall Rosenberg describes this as ‘listening with your giraffe ears’.

Let’s say someone you’re living with comes home and says “you’re such a slob, why can’t you clean up after yourself?” The idea is that you can ‘put your giraffe ears on’ and choose to translate that in real-time to what negative feelings and unmet needs are really driving the outburst. It’s always something in them, not in you. Maybe it’s “I’m feeling overwhelmed by this mess; my need for peace/order isn’t being met. And I’m feeling frustrated; my need for cooperation isn’t being met. Can we work together to find a solution?”

A couple more examples:

“You’re so selfish.” → “When you cook for yourself without asking if I want dinner too, I feel upset, because I have a need for inclusion and consideration.“

“You never listen to me.” → “I’m feeling lonely right now, I need closeness.”

Whatever it is, by empathising with those underlying feelings and needs you’re less likely to drop into a fight/flight response, attack back, escalate the fight. You can see what’s really going on inside the other person and, with a level head, help everyone to get all their needs met simultaneously.