I often talk about Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication.

On the surface it’s just about using different words when we speak, but in reality it’s about a whole different way of thinking. A way that values unconditional acceptance and empathy above all else.

Here’s an extreme example I just came across:

When I work in prisons and this person has been sexually molesting people or raping people, if I would like this person to find another way of behaving, I gotta make sure they don’t hate themselves for what they’re doing. The more they hate themselves for what they’re doing, the more they’ll continue doing it. I start by empathising with what their needs are in doing it.

–Marshall Rosenberg

Understandably, a lot of people really dislike this idea of empathising with someone who is in prison for rape. I think there’s a lot of fear that empathising means condoning, as well as a lot of hatred and anger. But empathy and condoning are totally distinct, and I think keeping them separate and keeping unconditional empathy is—for the reason Rosenberg describes above—the ultimate way to make the world better. No-one has ever become good by being told they were bad. If we want to affect change, in ourselves or others, the first thing we have to do is be unconditionally accepting of the reality of how things are right now. From that solid base we can work to change things immensely.