So this is going to be a recurring theme for a while
This mindblowing realisation
That the image I have in my head A LOT of someone (my brother, or a crush, usually) judging the action I’m thinking of taking, or I’ve taken. that’s….not actually them! sounds so obvious in hindsight. but. it’s not them. it’s….a part of me
A part of me
A part of me
that part is on my side!
I can work with that part!
but it’s hard. it keeps me so in line! I listen rigidly to it, because I’m so scared of that judgment from other people, especially someone I’m crushing on (and i’m not confident they have unconditional love back). I guess I see it as, if i take the wrong action, they won’t like me any more, they’ll withdraw their love, I won’t be accepted/loved/lovable?
I think I need to play this out step by step. it’s pretty groundbreaking , ive been listening so authoritatively to that voice. ok. so, let’s say I’m… thinking of sending a tweet. it MIGHT be helpful to people but I have no idea. I don’t know if anyone will like it or not. that persona comes in my head (e.g. a woman I think is attractive) and I see her thinking less of me—specifically losing her attraction to me—because I’m a loser for sharing this useless thing on twitter
chatgpt gave me some things to think about
one that really stopped me in my tracks was to ask myself—
Have I ever lost someone’s affection or respect over a single action before?
hahahaha
hahahaha
absolutely not
it’s comical
or at least, not in a way i cared about. i actually think it has happened, but it didn’t matter. i saw that immediately as their problem, not mine
but still… afterwards… let’s say it gets… 3 likes. i still have that person in my head, judging me for the fact it only got 3 likes. maybe their own tweets often get more. or maybe not, whatever - there are SOME people who get way more than that. and I’M ALWAYS comparing myself to the people who are ahead of me, who have more than me, and feeling insufficient by comparison
why do i treat myself more harshly than i would a friend?
i get so frustrated! it’s like i cant break out of it! what if i have this pattern forever! i hate it i hate it! and i hate that i hate it - i want to be compassionate and loving and understanding to my parts! gahhhhh!
and then i think this is reminiscent of the pattern more generally that keeps me feeling discontent: i’m always comparing to where i COULD be, because i have such a desire to improve and grow and help others, but it means i’m perpetually discontent that i’m not there yet
i just want to help people 😢
i’m tearing up at that. i’m getting emotional
i just
i FUCKING CARE!
I CARE SO MUCH
AND THAT CARE WASN’T ALLOWED
IT WAS JUDGED
I just want to help people
i want to give
i don’t want to be stuck feeling like i have nothing to give
i have so much to give
and i can’t release it
and that fucking kills me
IT FUCKING PAINS ME
it’s this fucking catch 22
i can only give the help once i have validation from others that it’s allowed, good quality, whatever
but i can’t get that validation without putting things out there
they’re not judging me
i’m judging me
they’re not gatekeeping my content
I’M gatekeeping my content
because i’m so scared of losing that love if i get it wrong
what’s wild is i can feel it unblocking
as i do this work
and have these realisations
i can feel my solar plexus (3rd chakra) becoming less numb
which is gonna mean some pain. buckle up, boys
i’m doing it, i’m fucking doing it
i can do this
it’s progress
that numb portion
this is how we unblock it
by acknowledging these fears
and the costumed part
and whatever the costumed part is protecting me from
that’s the work
excited!
woah that’s shifted my mood pretty quick
i’m buzzing now 😂
was miserable all day
i guess i just had to get to the root of it, like this
hmm
journalling is good
helps me figure out shit
and helps me feel shit
i’m getting better at feeling shit
i’m grateful that i’m learning how to feel, better
and, in turn, feel better. lol
but, how do i keep this feeling
nah, i don’t
i just accept whatever comes
but i guess, still the goal is to be in this place more?
dno
i’m tired
MY PASSION TO HELP
IS REAL
AND VALID
AND FUCKING ADMIRABLE
and the best way i know to cultivate that right now
is to tweet the tidbits that i think might help people
hell, they all would’ve helped me in the not so distant past
so i’m gonna do that
because it’s fucking important
it’s fucking important work
and if i don’t do it
no-one else can
not in the same way
i am the only me
with my experiences
so i will share the fucking work
because it’s fucking important
what if the world (the crush) withdraws its love?
1
i don’t care, because this is more important
and 2
no-one can withdraw the love
because
like the wise one michael jordan said
in the third greatest movie of all time
(Space Jam)
it was inside of you all along
i am love
i am light
if someone withdraws from me
because i’m doing something important
(aside: the tweet itself might turn out to not be important at all, in isolation! it might never help anyone! but the PROCESS is fucking vital. and the process involves me sending tweets even if they’re not life-changing yet. AND they could be life-changing to a person silently. and, again, they’re working toward getting good. that’s the process. gotta go through the shit ones first. so if someone doesn’t like that, they are standing in the way of me helping the fucking world. i don’t have attention to give to that. i just stay on my fucking path. stay on my Derech)
I FUCKING LOVE YOU
EVERY ONE
THE LOVERS
THE JUDGERS
I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE IT’S OVERFLOWING ME
THE CUP RUNNETH OVER
Bein kodesh l’chol
Ani chai
I will channel what i need to channel
into this world
i will manifest into this world
that which will help someone
i don’t know who
or when
but i want to help people
and this is the path to take
and i’m scared someone i barely know will withdraw love from me?
fuck that
that’s my filter
stay on my path
be me
and laugh at how easily i can filter
laugh
when they turn away because they don’t understand its importance
PEACE MOTHERFUCKERS
I LOVE YOU SHAI
I LOVE YOU ALL
I LOVE YOU GOD
