How am I feeling

I’m feeling… it changes pretty rapidly. Sometimes anxious. Sometimes just a general low-level “feeling down” that I can’t really label. Sometimes content.

That’s the nature of this “messy middle”. I’m on the pivot point between Force and Power. I’m living in Courage for the first time. Force feels safe in a way—there’s a certain tragic comfort in outsourcing our satisfaction and acceptance to other people. We get to delegate responsibility. It’s a subtle victim mindset, to act in a way that satisfies the people around you. Then how I act “isn’t my fault”. I’m just doing it for other people.

Except, of course, I’m not. I’m responsible for my actions. If I’m doing them because of how other people might react, that’s still my choice.

And so as I step away from that… as I realise I can give that acceptance to myself… I’m left with a “now what”?

I can forge my own path. One that feels aligned with my inner compass, at all times.

Now I’m invincible. I have infinite possibility ahead of me. What a blessing… but it can feel like a curse.

So much power.

And as Uncle Ben wisely said… with great power comes great responsibility.

“I have so much. Why do I feel lack?”

“I don’t feel content, even though I can’t pinpoint anything that isn’t perfect right now”

“There’s something wrong with me for not being able to get anything done in my day”

“There are too many options”

“I’m being lazy”

“I have no self-discipline or willpower”

“I can’t see where this leads. That’s scary”

“I should be doing more”

And, at the same time, I know the answer. Take small next steps, whatever my intuition tells me is next, try not to get derailed by the uncertainty of only seeing 1 step ahead, cultivate lots of self-love, remember that I’ve fucking got this, every step of this journey is so beautiful.

And I can reframe those thoughts. Those are just “Bobby” (the personification I gave to the thoughts in my head from my default programming). e.g.:

Unhelpful thought: “There’s something wrong with me for not being able to get anything done in my day”

• Situation: I didn’t get out of bed until the afternoon and didn’t do any of the main things I had planned to
• Manufactured feeling: sadness, guilt, shame
• Cognitive bias: overgeneralising, mental filtering, personalisation
• Evidence for: it’s true that there are some things I had wanted to do that I didn’t do
• Evidence against: I did get some smaller things done; there are always other factors at play if someone’s not acting in line with their intentions, none of them mean a person is inherently flawed
• Reframed, balanced thought: “It’s true I didn’t get everything done that I wanted to, which feels disappointing, but I still got some things done. It’s OK to celebrate those. For the rest, I can explore why it happened and work on it in future - it’s OK to still love myself!”

The existing programming is really powerful. That’s what keeps it in place. The idea that I should feel guilty for not getting enough done. It’s self-perpetuating. I have programming from my childhood along the lines of “it’s not OK to just feel unconditionally good, you have to find something that’s not perfect and feel guilty / focus on that”.

This period of feeling the feels that come up when I don’t get everything done that I plan is so important, for me to learn some new ways of relating to myself.

This is why I’ve felt it’s so important not to just dive into a new business. I’d probably be feeling better day to day. But that’s because I’d be getting my acceptance/validation from that new thing.

I need to lean into this period of uncertainty. It’s teaching me so much. Once I come to accept myself even when I’m not being productive, I will have freed myself to be able to be authentically productive.

In contrast, for as long as I resist and shame myself for “not being productive enough”, it’s going to stay.

Lean into it.

Love it.

Love myself.

No matter what.

That’s where it starts, and that’s what this is here for me to learn.

Don’t force myself to act in different ways when that feels too difficult.

If I would like this person to find another way of behaving, I gotta make sure they don’t hate themselves for what they’re doing. The more they hate themselves for what they’re doing, the more they’ll continue doing it

It’s fascinating - quotes like that are absolutely my mantra when dealing with other people. No matter what it is they’re doing. And yet I’m suddenly realising how little I apply that same approach to myself.

Which makes sense, and comes full circle to something I’ve become very aware of in spending time with my mum this week. She’ll often do negative self-talk out loud (“I’m so stupid!”) and now that I notice it I’ll half-jokingly call it out (“I don’t appreciate you speaking to my mother like that”) and her response it always that she’s allowed to because it’s to herself (and so she doesn’t take it seriously and so it’s harmless). But I don’t think I got that part of the memo. I inherited the idea that when something doesn’t go how we intended it’s our own fault and it’s important to personalise and feel guilty about it for some time.

OK. So yeah. The primary fear driving me at the moment seems to be “what if I’m not doing the right things, and then I go nowhere, make no progress, for years, make no money. Maybe I should force myself to do different things”. Which is flawed in so many ways, and I can see that when I lay it out on paper like that.

The last day has been really good. Better than the several days before it. I’ve come to accept where I’m at, more, and from that I’m already directly seeing that I’m able to act more in line with my intention. And it feels more authentic. More real. The gamechanger, like I hypothesised, was to be more loving and accepting of the ways I’m currently acting (e.g. staying in bed for longer than I’d planned). Then in small (but, equally, giant) ways I’m seeing myself actually want to take those small positive actions forward. That’s so different than forcing myself from a place of resentment, or making superficial changes that temporarily make me able to act differently. I have the sense that this way is healing things at the core, not the surface.

But this is such a shift from what I’m used to!

Patience is a big part of it too. I’ve progressed 50++ on the map of consciousness over the last few years—that’s well over 10 lifetimes worth on average!!!—and yet I’m still here itching to reach higher levels ASAP. It would serve me well to breathe and let this play out. I’m eager and excited, which is great, and at the same time it would be prudent to accept that I might not see changes every day! There’s some zooming out to be done. It’s already happened, let’s wait for time to catch up.

All is well.

I love you God.

I love you Shai.